Is Love a LIability? (The War for Control in a Relationship) | The Path ...

The other day I was reading something on how to control a relationship (it?s my job to read all sorts of things?the good and the bad!) when I stumbled across the author?s core thesis for his work:

?Whoever Cares the Least Controls the Relationship?

The basic idea is that if you don?t give a damn about your partner and you?re more willing to hit the eject button than they are, they will bend over backwards to please you and make you stay.

If you do not heed this advice, expect your partner to take advantage of you for being ?weak? and actually caring about them (you pathetic piece of sentimental rubbish!).

The problem with this bit of bumper-sticker advice is that it encourages apathy and indifference. Even if you really do care a great deal about your relationship, you are left feeling like a overly sensitive pushover.

So then what is someone to do who really does value their relationship and cares for their partner more than anything? Do they veil their affection, hide it behind an unfeeling mask and turn a cold shoulder?

According to the author of this ?advice,? that is exactly the foundation of a successful relationship that will last the ages. The key to a successful relationship is to win the race to the bottom and care the least.

Are you worried that your husband will leave you? Leave him first! Then he?ll come chasing after you like a puppy!

Does your girlfriend never make time for you (even though she has no problem making time for her friends)? Go flirt with her best friend and give her an anxiety attack. That?ll show her who?s the boss and inspire her loyal devotion to you.

Stop Caring and the Problem Is Solved!

We?d all be so much better lovers and enjoy much better relationships if we could only numb ourselves to the experience of love and desire. Who needs those natural, human emotions anyway?

But what I find most sad about this advice is that is based on the implicit assumption that your partner is fundamentally an enemy. Someone you need to guard yourself against, plot against, scheme against, always be thinking three steps ahead of them in the chess game of love.

All I Have to Say to This Is: WTF?

That?s some really messed up thinking. I feel sorry for anyone who has been traumatized by past relationships to the point that they actually believe this.

Don?t get me wrong, I?ve been there too. After getting my heart ripped out time after time by my ex, it was easy to believe this kind of stuff. After all, why else would she dump me for an unemployed pothead who left a rose on the hood of her car (true story!).

By George, it must be because I loved her too much! Women hate men who love them. It all makes sense now!

Love is a Liability!

Well, I don?t really know about that, but that seems to be what a lot of people are ready to tell you (along with all the other horrible relationship advice).

But what do you do when your partner is losing interest? What do you do when you feel your relationship slipping away?

Well, first of all, understand that trying to ?control? your partner or your relationship is a recipe for resentment and contempt that will only end poorly.

If you see your partner as someone who is fundamentally your enemy, or someone you need to plot against, you?ve already lost the game.

From that mindset, everything you do is based on manipulation, power struggles, jealousy, justification, or other ?romantic? battles of will.
Instead, it makes more sense if you and your partner are on the same team. Instead of them being an enemy to be bested, why not work together with them to create the relationship that you both want?

I would recommend actually sitting down and talking to your partner about what you are feeling.

This might seem obvious, but so many people have anxiety about actually being vulnerable, sharing how they feel, asking for what they want, or really showing up. This leads them to round-about, sideways attempts and approaching the problem. Instead of that stuff, just have a conversation and tell them that you feel like they?re slipping away.

If you and your partner have a history of openness and acceptance of each other, they should feel comfortable talking about this without the fear that this is some kind of accusation or feeling the need to avoid the subject.

If not, then you need to start by laying this foundation, otherwise, they might think that this is some kind of elaborate emotional trap that you?re trying to snare them in.

Once you can check in with them about what they are feeling, you can work together to strengthen the connection in your relationship, rather than relying on manipulation tactics to ?hack? their mind or otherwise try to control the relationship.

If you have been avoiding talking to your partner about something, find the time to sit down with them and just talk to them openly and honestly. No justifying, no manipulating, or anything like that.

This might be frightening if you aren?t used to voicing your own opinions or speaking your mind, but it?s good practice and it is part of the foundation of a healthy relationship.

What do you think? Is love a liability? Do you think relationships are a battle between two opponents? Or do you think relationships work better when both people can cooperate and play on the same team?

I?d love to know what you think.

In the meantime, I?m going to hop on a plane to Palm Springs, California for a business trip.

Mika and I have been working on some ?secret projects,? which we?ll hopefully be able to unveil soon :)

Source: http://thepathtopassion.com/blog/is-love-a-liability-control-in-a-relationship/

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